Jokes

Exercise

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add 1 minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is. 

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. 

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. 

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: 
I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. 

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.  She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.  "Well, you can paint my porch.  How much will you charge?"  The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"  The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.  The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize the porch goes all the way around the house?"  The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."  A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.  "You've finished already?" he asked.  "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."  Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Chaffed:

Agriculture student:  "That wheat field looks like it's in trouble.  I'd be surprised if you get 5 bushels an acre."

Farmer:  "So would I.  That's my corn field."

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'.  "Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about.  Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"  Mabel thought for a long while.  Finally she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

Stopped at a friend's shop the other day 
 and found him stalkin' around with a fly 
 swatter.
 When I asked if he was gettin' any flies, 
 he answered, "Yeah, 3 males and 2 females."
  Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell 
 the difference.
 He answered, "3 were on a beer can, and 2 
 were on the phone."

***